Disclaimer: This is going to be the mother of all posts and most of the ensuing garbly-gook probably doesn’t even apply to you. I’m just airing out some dirty laundry.
For the last couple of months, I’ve been a total stress case. I’ve been on the verge of a mental meltdown, something I haven’t had to deal with since that honors-thesis-finals-lab-presentation-PSP crunch that I put myself through over a year ago. But unlike that time, I haven’t been able to pinpoint what the cause of my anxiety was and it was driving me nuts that I couldn’t sleep at night, that I woke up in the middle of the night grinding my teeth, that I was so apathetic about my job. A general displeasure with my life here planted thoughts of breeching my contract and leaving Japan in my head and while I never seriously considered that an option, I did go through my first ever bout with homesickness in 23 years.
Some of you know this and I am grateful that you have been so patient with me. Most of you didn’t know this, but don’t worry. It’s not because you’re oblivious or inconsiderate or unsympathetic. It’s because I don’t like to trouble people with my problems and despite whatever is festering inside of me, I tend to greet the world with a smile and a “Fine thank you, and you?” I’m a firm believer in sorting out my own problems but it’s not always so easy, as I have discovered recently.
I think that I’m a nice person. Some people have told me that I’m nice to the point where it’s almost a flaw. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and I like to think that if people behave badly/rudely/stupidly that they must have a good reason. Because I would never act maliciously out of jealousy or anger, I expect people to do the same. However, I’ve learned that that’s not always the case and people are perfectly capable of doing what I consider practically impossible and I am no longer going to make excuses to myself to justify their actions.
People who don’t know me well assume me to be naïve and innocent, to need their guidance, or worst of all, to need to be fed half-chewed versions of the truth because maybe I can’t handle the whole story. To those who think this of me: I don’t need insincere sympathy nor do I need false affirmations as to what you may or may not believe is my strength of character. Don’t tell me what you think I need to hear or make promises you have no intentions to keep because in all honestly, it’s patronizing and I believe that being genuine and forthright shows me the respect that I know I deserve.
I’ve done a lot of thinking this weekend and I know who it is that I can trust, that I can depend on to provide support, and that I know will give me real advice as opposed to just telling me what I want to hear. I also know that in recent weeks, I’ve met some amazing people; I have had the opportunity to hang out with some great potentials who I hope in time will become great friends as well. I’m optimistic again. I’ve unloaded a lot of this metaphorical weight that’s been dragging me down and while I’m still a little nervous about all of the change that’s going on as the JET community goes through a complete facelift, I feel more prepared to take it on since I’ve finally sorted out and organized some of the mental/emotional crap that’s been polluting my mind.
Now if only the mess in my apartment would organize and sort itself out…
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