For every suspicious thought, for every unfair judgement that I pass, I feel intensely guilty. I should be more understanding, more forgiving. I know he's hurt inside. I know that I've contributed to any self-resentment and the feelings of worthlessness and regret that he might feel. I know all of these things, yet I still point fingers. I still take sides. I'm still unfair, unforgiving, untrusting. But I'm trying, trying, trying to believe that I can change. Because without that change, I will continue to distance myself from the one person who needs me to be his ally.
I often have nightmares when I'm stressed out or sick. I don' t usually remember them, but I remember this one. In my dream I remember begging him to forgive me. To let me make it up to him. To give me just one more chance. Because I am--at the very least--partly to blame.
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